this is for you, jie. For all the times when you aren't online. MY blog about My life, for YOU.

Monday, April 10, 2006

love

I am learning to love. Love not in the boy-girl sense, not in the friendship sense, but in the sense that transcends all that, the way God loves us. Of course, i can't do that on my own, but with God guiding me, i think i may just achieve it.
And who am i to try to love? I am going to love someone that i love in both the other senses. A someone i love in the boy-girl sense, in the friendship sense. And it is precisely because i love that someone so much in the conditional, self-centred ways of the other loves that makes it so hard to love him in that God-way.
Does that make sense? See, if you loved someone who was totally unlovable in any of the other senses, it would be easy to love him in the God way. Because it would be the ONLY way you'd ever be induced to loving the person. But try to love someone whom you already love- now that's the challenge. Try loving someone unconditionally, when you can be expected to expect love in return. Try loving someone whom you can choose to feel hurt, feel betrayed and feel neglected about. That's a challenge. And as i am finding, a really really hard one. But i must persevere. Because God wants me to.
I know you are cynical and wondering if it is really just me trying to do the impossible. But honestly, i wanted to give up, so many times. I wanted to give in to the selfish impulses of hurt and pain, to get angry, to shout at him and demand my rights. One day, i asked God how much he expected me to love. I asked him if i was loving too much, and i asked him if i could stop. That sunday, the message was "can you ever love too much?" guess what the answer was?
I don't know if i'll succeed. Right now, i face the hardest part yet. Loving when there is no chance of any return. It hurts, i can tell you that. But somehow, i feel tt each day, God gives me just the right amount of strength to see me through, to love him for just a little longer. and a little... You know. I think i might actually succeed. If God is with me every step of the way, i think i can.

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