desires of the heart

I write with a heart full of gratefulness, of peace, and of love.
I can hardly comprehend the state in which i am in, so much at peace, so much loved, so much assured of everything.
In the light of recent affairs, i ought to be miserable. My heart, having been kicked out and left to wonder around the lanes of desolate city, out to be sore, to ache, to feel some degree of pain. Yet I do not know but that i am very happy, very happy indeed!
I guess i must not like him so very much as i had presumed. Yet even as i write, with a heart so full of the above, I know that there are still shreds of that affection that lie within it. Perhaps my heart is like a keg, having been filled with wine for so long, even after the wine has been poured out, the keg still retains the smell of it. But i did not write this to lament on what has happened, but to rejoice in a very very precious revelation that might actually see me walking through to an independant heart. Previously, since hitting adolescence, I must be deep in the throes of one crush or another, now i rejoice in the heart-wholeness of my very being.
I'm serious, i've never felt so liberated before:D:D:D:D:D I'm so glad to find out that i am not in love, that i actually have the liberty of independence! HAH! And i'm in no hurry to like anyone. I just want to be friends with the whole world in general. In my oppinion, nothing is so very good for one as friendship. In a BGR, we have to be always pleasing, always amiable. If we fall out of line, if, for a moment, we let slip a fault, then we can be sure that some of that fair, pure image of us that has been painted by our beholder will be tainted, and soon he will be obliged to see us for what we are- all our faults, our pettiness, our small meaness. No, friends are so much safer. With friends you can take liberties to reproach, to anger, and to be readily forgiven- no one expects perfection of a friend.
Furthermore, i can see no merit in having a BGRelationship at our age. I am skeptical, very cynical indeed, as to how long these affections can last. We have just developed physically; no doubt our emotional and spiritual selves are still in want of some more molding. Some may argue that this sort of thing is perfectly ideal to deliever some hard knocks that will give us the shape we desire. But why not learn so very much painlessly, sitting from the sidelines and learning all the strategies, the secrets to success, without standing in harm's way? Must we abuse our hearts so much, to have it rent and ripped at, then patched back together, only to be rent up again? No, i would rather protect my heart for now, let it grow a little larger, become a little more accomodating to the faults of others, let it receive a little more cultivation.

have i grown?

I was reading my previous blog, radicallychanged.blogspot.com . Hearing myself, almost a year back, made me think. From then till now, have i grown? Do i warrant genie's comment that "you've grown alot!"
Lately, i've been blog surfing, and truth be told, feeling a little inferior. I read all my friend's blogs, marveling at the number of funny, humorous things that dot their daily existence. Perhaps, that is what has been spurring my recent posts to sound more cheery and more light-hearted. But i wonder if that was the wisest decision i made. Because honestly, why am i writting this blog? Is it for the sake of letting other people read about my life, and get to know me better? No. I started blogging in my previous blog because i wanted to kepe track of my spiritual life. What does it say, that i have stopped blogging there, and now blog in my more day-to-day, lighthearted blog made for my older sister to get updates of my life?
I feel sober and sorry.
GOd, i repent. Forgive me for trying to please the people around me, for seeking their approval and acceptance more than i have been seeking yours. God, i pray that you cleanse my heart of its impure motives and help me to centre my life around you, and the glorification of your kingdom. Truly, i want to draw near to you.

Today is Maudy thursday. The day Christ died for our sins. I feel so wonderfully blest. God, u provide for me, you died for me, you washed me clean and "freed us for joyful obedience". Jesus. How i love you, more than anyone else in all the earth. FOrgive me of my sins, and help me to start afresh.

endora and the golden apple

I am writing a greek mythology!
It's really very interesting and time consuming, but hey, you only have one LA portfolio to write, right? So i'm going to go all crazy and wild and try out all sorts of writing styles.
I've been so inspired by Darryl Lian's commonwealth essay. It's the most craziest, coolest essay i've ever read, though i profess that i need someone to explain the nitty gritty details to me. It's one of those essays that you half understand, but you say you do, because it manages to touch some parts of your brains and sink in just a little. But i get what Eve means when she thinks he doesn't know what he's writing. Because that piece is seriously abstract. Either that or he's a genius and writes for geniuses.
We had our NAPFA test today, and i am SO sad. Cos i deproved. ALOT. Like last year, i could do 33 incline pull ups, but this year i could only do 23. SO THAT'S why my arms were getting flabby:( And, i don't think i'll be getting the Best in Sit-ups award this year.. My only happy thought is that i jumped 191 this year, 3 cm better than last year... unless i jumped 198 last year, then i'll be excessively sad again. Now, to imrpove on my 2.4km run, and i'll be happy again.
My Jie is coming back on friday! whoopeeeeeeeeeee! Although she will be SUCH a distraction, i DON'T CARE! cos SHE'LL BE HOME:D
We are going to watch this scary bio film. Personally, i think all Bio films are scary. Like The Silent Scream, the documentary on abortions. That was so sad and horrrifying, i shall be forever traumatised. So i'm kinda jittery about this one... my classmates are scared too, so i'm not the sole coward:D

degradation of the mind

I have observed that lately, i have been behaving like a five year old in class. Seriously. During chemistry, Mr Kuo nearly sent me to the corner of the room for playing a fool during class. Although it really wasn't me, it was christal. She was drawing on her metal ruler with a pen and sticking the ruler onto me, so that i'd get pen stains all over my arm. So of course i retaliated. And of course mr Kuo saw ME do it. So he kept glaring at me and threatening me. Bah, he is BIASED. But he's still nice and fatherly, so i shall forgive him for having an extra sensitivity to my actions in class.
Today, we made a d.c motor for physics practical. It was actually fun, except that my brain was so dead that i couldn't do anything right so i made a terrible motor and i felt like an idiot because it wouldn't work, while everyone else's motor was whirring round and round and round making happy spinning sounds. I had to manually spin mine:P
Nonetheless, life could be several degrees worse... imagine if there was no chocolate! Today, Eve actually suggested that we go buy M&Ms... and who was I to argue when eve was eating chocolates? Of course, she left me to eat more of it, leaving me feeling fat, but hey. i didn't eat the whole packet!
My bumbleflyer client was so sweet! He left pocky sticks at mail for her, but she was being irritatingly amusing and refusing to eat it... until it started melting. Then she snuck some in class! I love eve, if only because she is my partner in crim in flouting school rules that do not make sense! For example, eating in class. Eating in class is the only thing that sustains me through math and english and chem and physics and bio, so i don't see how NOT eating in class is going to benefit me in anyway... except tt maybe then it'll be easier to lose weight.
I wrote in my mother-daughter diary last night in a brief fit of angst and exasperation. Mum wrote back. At first i was irritated at her reply because she WOULD point out the fact that i used "i" and "me" 27 times in the whole entry. But then she was so loving and wise after that that i didn't really mind it. I love my mum. She really tries to understand me, though most of the time she fails.
Like for example, she doesn't understand tt i really am not dreaming of becoming his gf. But maybe tt's cos she doesn't know tt he's already attached... though a part of me tells me tt she doesn't really care if he is or not, she's more concerned about me. That i'm spending too much effort on one lousy guy. Maybe i am...
Somehow, i feel very tempted to obey my mummy.

love

I am learning to love. Love not in the boy-girl sense, not in the friendship sense, but in the sense that transcends all that, the way God loves us. Of course, i can't do that on my own, but with God guiding me, i think i may just achieve it.
And who am i to try to love? I am going to love someone that i love in both the other senses. A someone i love in the boy-girl sense, in the friendship sense. And it is precisely because i love that someone so much in the conditional, self-centred ways of the other loves that makes it so hard to love him in that God-way.
Does that make sense? See, if you loved someone who was totally unlovable in any of the other senses, it would be easy to love him in the God way. Because it would be the ONLY way you'd ever be induced to loving the person. But try to love someone whom you already love- now that's the challenge. Try loving someone unconditionally, when you can be expected to expect love in return. Try loving someone whom you can choose to feel hurt, feel betrayed and feel neglected about. That's a challenge. And as i am finding, a really really hard one. But i must persevere. Because God wants me to.
I know you are cynical and wondering if it is really just me trying to do the impossible. But honestly, i wanted to give up, so many times. I wanted to give in to the selfish impulses of hurt and pain, to get angry, to shout at him and demand my rights. One day, i asked God how much he expected me to love. I asked him if i was loving too much, and i asked him if i could stop. That sunday, the message was "can you ever love too much?" guess what the answer was?
I don't know if i'll succeed. Right now, i face the hardest part yet. Loving when there is no chance of any return. It hurts, i can tell you that. But somehow, i feel tt each day, God gives me just the right amount of strength to see me through, to love him for just a little longer. and a little... You know. I think i might actually succeed. If God is with me every step of the way, i think i can.